I don't love him. Never did. Not even right now.

Just by coincidence, this bit was taped a year ago today. It's a complete fluke that I happened to come across this today. I don't spend what very little spare time I have trolling YouTube for videos of Craig Ferguson, or whatever his name is. I have little to no interest in this person. I care next to nothing about his existence or his recent secret marriage to NOT ME. But, now that America is the new Europe, (whaddup, Obama!) and us naturally born citizens are no longer ashamed to admit as much, I thought I'd put this up. But, just to be clear, when it comes to Mr. Ferguson, I am dead inside. Dead, I tell you.

Splatter

HERE

Fraud Johnson?

As none of you know, I've been teaching myself to play guitar. I signed up for some free newsletter and I get emails with guitar chord information that I never use. Now, I know that everyone grieves differently, but when I opened this email last week from the guy Claude Johnson, who writes this newsletter, I was a bit, um...stunned. Read this and let me know what you think.


Hello Amanda,

Well another weekend has arrived, and I'm
in a contemplative mood today.

Ya know... it's been great to connect
with so many of you guitar players over
the years.

Heck, you took the time to sign up
to my email list, and for that I'm grateful.
I consider you a friend and part of my "guitar
control family".

A lot of folks wonder, "what is the real
Claude Johnson like? Does he have a family?"

Well I wanted to share some of that with you
today as it pertains to some recent sad news
in my own personal life.

Now, please don't get too down as you
read this. There's a happy ending to all
of this.

Before I tell you about the 2nd saddest day
of my life, lets flash back to the #1 saddest
day. I actually shared this story when
I came out with my gospel guitar course.

It was surely one of my darkest moments...

I was married at the time.

To make a long story short, one night I arrived home and
the furniture was gone and so was my wife with all of
her clothes.

I was devastated.

This was in 2003.

Now, fast forward to 2009...

I have been dating a wonderful girl named Laurie for
the past 3 years.

I don't know if you can guess what's coming next,
but its shocking and sad.

This was the 2nd saddest day of my life which happened
about a week ago.

To put it in nice words, she made the decision that
she couldn't handle her life anymore. She had had enough.

She decided to leave this world.

And she left behind grieving parents, friends, and of course
me.

At first I was in shock and disbelief.
Then, I was just sad. Especially, I felt bad for her family.

I know, you're probably saying to yourself "woah,
that's heavy", and you're right - it is.

On the surface, it would appear that this is a much
sadder event than my wife leaving me in 2003.
However, it affected me much differently
because I'm not the same guy I was 6 years ago.

I was in a much better place in my mind- psychologically
and spiritually speaking. Hopefully this doesn't sound
too pretentious, but these days, i'm able to handle
whatever life throws at me with amazing grace.

Like the old saying goes, "the lord works in mysterious
ways". So, my attitude is, if it was her time to go,
so be it. I just have to accept that.

I'm not resentful. I'm not angry. And now its been a
little over a week, and I'm not sad or suffering any
longer than I've had to.

Life goes on. I'm actually feeling pretty good this
morning and that's what Laurie would have wanted for me.

But of course, there's no such thing as too much love and support...

So, if you want to cheer up my mood even more, then do me
a favor and check out the audio seminar I just uploaded
to my new blog: www.tonetutor.com/blog and post your
comments - i'd love to hear from you about what you
think about it.

Basically, I'm giving away the 1 hour absolute pitch audio
seminar (but only for the next 5 days).

Why am I doing this?

Well, I think I promised some cool content so here it is.
Again, its only going to be up for a little while, so
I recommend downloading it right now.
www.tonetutor.com/blog

I'm always glad to read your comments! :)

What else?

hmmm....

Yeah, so anyway, don't feel too bad for me - i've had
some bad luck but I always bounce back to smile another
day. That's the happy ending I was talking about.

So go check the audio seminar and enjoy it.

Also, I just put up some brand new offers for
Tone Tutor that will really come in handy for you
if you're on a budget: https://www.tonetutor.com/ordering/orderpage.php

That's all I got for ya today...

Have a wonderful weekend and rock on!

Claude Johnson

P.S. If you missed it, you can read about tonetutor here: www.tonetutor.com/main.php

Please Check out Our Guitar Courses and Products...
Country Blues:
www.ultimatecountryblues.com/main.php

(and he actually goes on to list other links for all his courses)

Me again. Is this truly sick or am I not getting this? This guy is exploiting the death of his ex-girlfriend to get people to go to his website for guitar goodies. Is this the new face of publicity or the old face of fraud?

Are you there, Sufjan? It's me, Amanda.

There was a time, not so long ago, when rumor had it that Sufjan Stevens was my boyfriend. Even Amy Sohn thought he was my man. New York Magazine got in on the action, fanning the fire of rumor and I was invited to a lot more parties. One such day, it seemed I won the lotto of invites and I ran down the hall to tell Sufjan. I ran into every room that I have calling his name. I called and called and looked and looked but he wasn't here and all his clothes were gone. All traces of Sufjan were missing and that's when I realized that the rumor that Sufjan Stevens was my boyfriend was not true.

Even if his next move is not with me, this here, courtesy of Brooklyn Based (my absolute favorite regular source of Brooklyn culture), is totally genius.


Sufjan Stevens has a brand new song so far heard only by his closest friends — and one lucky Brooklynite. Alec Duffy of the Hoi Polloi theater company was awarded exclusive rights to “The Lonely Man of Winter.” In an effort to combat the impersonal experience of internet-leaked tracks, Duffy is inviting fans to his home for a unique listening party, complete with tea and cookies. Three sessions (limited to four people) each Wednesday until Feburary 25. Email to reserve a spot, and bring your own headphones if you have good ones.

Notice that I did not include the email. I'm greedy and want a spot. Go to Brooklyn Based for the info.

Alela Diane is the new old era.

I love this woman. Ferociously.

YADDO STUDIO CRAWL...

GO HERE FOR LINK TO MAP AND INFO...

New York, NY (January 8, 2009) – If you've ever wondered what goes on behind closed studio doors, join us on Saturday, January 24th, for the "Yaddo Artists Open Studios Crawl" as a group of creative professionals welcome visitors to their workspaces.

Thirty Yaddo artists working in lower Manhattan and Brooklyn will open their workspaces in lower Manhattan and Brooklyn from 2-5 p.m. for this free, public event that is one of a series of programs celebrating the "Yaddo: Making American Culture," an archival exhibition on view at The New York Public Library in New York City through February 15.

On January 24th, you will have a chance to meet and get an up close look at the private studios of the following Yaddo artists:

David Baskin
Andrea Belag
Louise Belcourt
Peter Sumner Walton Bellamy
David Brody
JoAnne Carson
Patty Cateura
Emily Cheng
Lisa Corinne Davis
Joe Diebes
James Esber
Rochelle Feinstein
Jane Fine
Joshua Fried
Joanne Greenbaum

Stacy Greene
Sally Gross
Dennis Kardon
David Kramer
Melissa Meyer
Amy Myers
David Packer
Oona Ratcliffe
Gina Ruggeri
Katia Santibanez
Jonathan Santlofer
James Siena
Joan Snyder
Natasha Sweeten
Alexi Worth

There is no established schedule for the "Yaddo Artists Open Studios Crawl." Visitors decide for themselves how many studios to visit, in what order they wish to see the studios, and how long they want to stay in each spot. And to help plot an individualized course for the afternoon, we have available for download a general map with an attached list of participating artists with studio addresses (PDF), plus a more detailed interactive map where you will find representative samples of each participating artist's work and specific directions. Note that on this map (see below), you can click on location numbers to see details and images and drag the map around to see areas not displayed.

Sleeping with Greg Laswell

I took L with me to check out Jenny Owen Youngs at the Bell House last Friday. After the show her manager brought me to the merch table to meet her. She was lovely and exuberant and gave me a hug. Minutes later I spotted an alternative apparel burn out shirt (same ones I use for Happy Ending), but in white and with the name Greg Laswell silk screened across the breast. I had to have it. I didn't know who Greg Laswell was, but I needed to sleep in that shirt every single night for the rest of my life. So I bought it. Minutes later, he came to the table, we were introduced, he handed me a free cd and off he went. Well, I actually listened to the cd and then I listened to it again and again and I can't really stop. He's truly, quite amazing. I might be late coming to the Greg Laswell game, but damn, I'm glad I got here. And the shirt, well -- I've been sleeping with Greg Laswell every night for a week.

Below is a cover (and you know what a fan of covers I am) of Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun."



And here's, "How the Day Sounds."

Jobamasus?

Help me coin this phrase!

Some people think Obama is Jesus.

Jobamasus. Works for me.

Amanda? I'm calling you from the bathroom...

Sent courtesy of Claudia Gonson. Mike Albo doing "Amanda."

Two things about Stephen Elliott

Sally can't dance, but Elliott can. I mean, Boy can DANCE. I would go to a Stephen Elliott viewing party just to watch him dance.

Also, the boy can WRITE. Like, seriously write. And now he's got an online magazine anchored in my favorite flavor: CULTURE.

Rumpus is the new coffee.

Check out the Rumpus.

Daniel Knox

This guy is a total stunner.

He's flying his bathtub in from Chicago to share it all with you.

Feb 4th. 7pm. Joe's Pub.

I know it's my show and all, but I think I can very safely, and objectively, say this guy is not to be missed. He's playing in NY for one night only, at the Happy Ending Series @ Joe's. He's almost leprosodically talented (new term meaning something's so good your skin falls off. OED, baby.)

Amidonimous

Sam Amidon makes me happy and so does this video.

Oh Joy, oh miracle, oh joy!

I was just going through my "junk" drawer looking for, well, junk and you'll never guess what I found!?


A.......


Lunesta.




Oh, sweet sweet Pfizer.



I take you Lunesta now, to be mine.


I do.

Who should I nominate?

I've been asked to nominate a young, female writer whose talent is worthy enough to receive, in one go, a check equal to the yearly salary of an administrative assistant. The female I nominate should be in the beginning stages of her writing career. The money is a job buy out. Instead of going to her job as an administrative assistant, she can take a sabbatical and devote herself, uninterrupted and unequivocally, to her own work.

Who should I nominate?

What young, female writer of fiction in the beginning of her career deserves this prize?

Who should I nominate? Who should I nominate? Who should I nominate?

What young, female writer of fiction do I know who is in the beginning of her career? Wait...there's someone. She's...wait, I almost have it...it's so close...she's short, yeah, super short, and she has a, what is that called - a nose ring? Yeah, that sounds about right. She's got a nose ring in her right nostril, no -- left, left nostril! Yes, definitely left nostril. And she lives in Brooklyn I think, and runs some sort of a weirdo reading group. She's got curly/wavy hair and for the past 15 years she's been searching for a Frederick Fekkai pill she can ingest in order to grow "ideal hair." She doesn't have a warm winter coat. She lost her favorite hat. She doesn't know where her gloves are and she has a few notices from collection agencies lying on a nearby table.

Nope, never gonna come to me.

Straggler photos from 1.7.aught9

NY PRESS...

The Full Price
by Matt Harvey

As a polite octogenarian couple slowly polished off their meal, Richard Price, the Bronx-born author of Lush Life, was on stage riffing about his tough-guy grandfather clocking a woman with a baseball bat in 1915.The curse-laden, motor-mouthed monologue was the money shot of the Joe Pub’s premiere of the Happy Ending Reading Series. Idling then revving Lenny Bruce–style, the lit star shrugged his shoulders like a gun-toting movie gangster and rapped, “He was like one of those psycho violent White Heat guys, you know?” Price had his grandfather running from Murder Inc. on the Lower East Side and winding smack dab into the hands of tattoo happy anti-Semitic sailors in Algeria.

Price warmed up for the punch line, “So, my grandfather says to the ship doctor...” Then he breathed in the ghost of his ancestor and spat, “‘I’d rather die of gangrene then go home to my muddah with a cross on my arm.’“ Somewhere, Jimmy Cagney was smiling.

Afterward, Amanda Stern, emcee of the event, held court in the basement of Marion’s on the Bowery. Matt Caws, the shaggy mopped front man of Nada Surf, was buzzing energetically after a solo turn following Price’s performance. The Manhattan-born 40-something laughingly copped to ignorance of the present New York music scene. “I’ve had enough nightlife for ten lifetimes,” he said. The man of the hour—Price—walked by with a container of sushi in a white plastic bag. He sat next to his daughter Gen, a 22year-old Tisch student with movie-star good looks. After bristling a little at the thought of an interview, he relented and said, “I can eat and talk at the same time.” He didn’t have much to say about the obviously indelible mark the old films, which he had referenced on stage, left on him. His voice rising in volume, he said, “They were fucking movies! I always knew that.”When his white wine was brought over to the table he quipped to Gen, “You get that, and I’ll get your tuition.”

Through a mouthful of raw fish he announced his daughter had appeared on the last season of The Wire. Price swallowed his food and intoned seriously, “She played a crack head.” I tried to nod seriously. Wait, huh? His tough-guy mug didn’t budge as he let me have the one-two. “I always wanted to see my daughter grow up to become a crack whore.”

SPONSORED!

Some people have AA sponsors, I have NYFA! I am really happy to announce that the Happy Ending Music and Reading Series has received fiscal sponsorship from the New York Foundation for the Arts. What does this mean? It means I'm looking for a grant writer!

"Fiscal Sponsorship provides individual artists, artists' collaborative projects, and emerging arts organizations in all disciplines with the ability to apply for funding and other resources usually available only to organizations with 501(c)(3) nonprofit status."

It's tax-exempt. You know what that means? It means I'M A CHARITY! The Happy Ending Music and Reading Series Boys and Girls Club of America. Nice ring. I likey.

Donating can be really fun! I'm actually saving you money! How? Well, it's a little known fact that donating is a form of exercise. That means that if you donate, you don't have to go to the gym! I have just saved you an initiation fee and monthly dues! That's right! It's all in the fingers and wrist. Just lean your hand forward, choose a finger, hover over this LINK and press, press, press...bye, bye Crunch, this is the "it" workout of 2009.

Thank you, NYFA!

Shalom, Schmucks!

It's the country music awards, cut him some slack.

Mary and Joseph, the guy runs off with another and I'm still defending him. I have to get some cream for that codependency.



All due respect, this isn't going to last. It's like Miley Cyrus and that 20 year old. Okay, it's nothing like that and I'm sure they're perfectly happy and have a hideously lovely relationship, but $50 you see that guy on next year's Bachelor.

Suck on this, Craig Ferguson!

Oh yeah? Well, I'm going to secretly marry a brooding hot guy with a better accent who sings about new shoes. And you know what? We're not getting married in secret. Actually, we're going to get married in your bedroom while you're sleeping so that when you wake up, you and your new wife will look your worst. And and and, you know how your wife is younger than me? Well, my new shoes crooner is younger than you! By like three generations. Sure, maybe he's not as charming and funny as you are. And maybe he doesn't have that rare ability that you, and like only 2 percent of the world possess, of being self-aware on both sides of your humor. Just like my intended, your new wife probably lacks that ability, too. But, if you can sacrifice that necessity in your partner, than I can, too. So now you can suck it because I'm going to be Mrs. Amanda Stern Nutini instead of Mrs. Amanda Stern Ferguson. Although, truth be told neither sound too good and I'd just prefer to keep my name if it's all the same to you.

Jenny Owen Youngs! F*ck was she thinking??

If all goes according to my master plan, JOY (nice acronym!) will be singing at Happy Ending @ Joe's before something terrible happens and they tell me it's all been a horrible mistake, they thought I ran Happy Endings, with an S on the end, but no, I'm singular and therefore, must bow out and walk out backwards. Alone.

NPR!

Listen to a small segment that NPR's Weekend Edition aired this morning while I was sleeping...

Well played

I wanted to make a playbill for the premiere. I had this idea to cobble together word-bytes from old newspaper clippings about Richard Price and Matthew Caws. I was going to layer in Caws' lyrics, Price's text and build in bios around that. But going through clippings was tedious and I didn't have time for that kind of tedium. Plus, during that process, I realized that I wanted to include my friends' work into the series in whatever way I could. I looked through the work of all my visual artist friends and began culling images I thought would suit the performers. But all the different styles together looked incoherent and messy. I decided to stay consistent and used some paintings made by my friend Margaux Williamson. Margaux's art is tough and beautiful and reminds me of old memories growing up in New York. Apropos, since the premiere's theme was "New York" night.

Lacking Photoshop, I checked out Powerpoint. I imported the images into the program and taught myself how to use it. It was unbelievably time consuming and kind of hard as shit. I worked on it when I could over the course of about two weeks. Finally, when I felt the images were good enough, I printed them out. However, they printed out in all different sizes and I couldn't figure out how to make the sizes match (hence the hard as shit aspect). I finally gave up. I brought the odd sized printed images to Officemax, bought 110 lb paper and had them print the images on that. Then I cut the pages to size, brought it all home and spent an hour or so, punching a hole in the corner (I could only punch 3 out of 6 pages at a time). I tied twine in a knot through the punched hole and that was that. Here they are. The images don't translate so well via photos, but I'm pretty happy with the outcome.

The entire program


The cover


A little story told in logo & signage


Richard Price's bio


Matthew Caw's bio


My bio


Thank yous

Recession special!

These shirts were, just seconds ago, marked down from $350 to $15. For a limited time only you too can cash in on this recession special and own your very own Happy Ending T-shirt. Get in on the action. You'll never find a better deal than this on the web. I'm like Crazy Eddie, practically giving it all away with a markdown like this. $15! FIFTEEN DOLLARS! Down from $350! You know what kind of a deal that is? That's like a 2 trillion dollar markdown. How could you possibly pass over a deal this good? You'd have to be out of your mind on acid not to buy a shirt for $15 when it was, mere seconds ago, $350!

The shirts are so cool, they make you squint...


Photo by Miriam Berkley

Success!

Well, I think the premiere of the Happy Ending Series @ Joe's Pub went well.

The after-party was pretty cool, too.

Thanks to everyone for coming and selling the show out. Someone told me that she bought a ticket off a scalper outside the theater. It was probably my dad.

Here are some teaser photos. More to come soon...

SOLD OUT!

Yeah we did!

The premiere of Happy Ending @ Joe's Pub is sold out!!

Thanks everyone for purchasing a ticket. I will see you all tomorrow night.

Bells on.

With a side of nervous.

Me love Paper

I'm one of Paper Magazine's favorite people? Cool.

They got the date for the premiere at Joe's Pub wrong (it's Wednesday, not Tuesday). But you knew that already. Big thanks to Rebecca Carroll!

We asked a random handful of our favorite people to tell us about their best reads of 2008 and got a cool, eclectic and smart bunch of new and old book titles to both check out and rediscover.




Ryan Kwanten, Actor (HBO’s True Blood)

I read a lot, but hands down, my favorite book I read this year was To Kill a Mocking Bird by Harper Lee. Most Americans read this book in their youth, but growing up in Australia we had our own iconic novels that were part of the school curriculum. For me, it was such a look into the America of yesteryear -- the racism, the sexism and what it meant to grow up in the South. It is the kind of book that creeps up on you and before you know it has surrounded you, and gives you no choice but to take it in. You can't help but be affected by it, it stays with you and that for me is the true beauty of any art form.

Aaron Rose, artist and filmmaker (Beautiful Losers)

The Spiritual Journey of Alejandro Jodorowsky by Alejandro Jodorowsky reminded me that without some sort of deep spiritual basis for everything I create, there is a huge risk of becoming nothing more than a clever aesthetician. Witty concepts and the ability to create pretty things is fine -- but the true joy and enrichment in being an artist lies in your ability to heal yourself through your work (and as a byproduct, healing other people). I read this book as I traveled through Europe for a month this summer and returned a changed man.

Barton Brooks, founder of international volunteer organization Global Colors

I guess it would be Blackberry Winter by Margaret Mead. There are very few people like Margaret Mead, and her life story is a huge inspiration for me. The fact that a single woman in the early part of the century would travel to the south seas by herself to learn and try to preserve a culture is just beyond me. I try to follow her lead in my work by not polluting other cultures with my way of thinking or expectations -- to just observe and be part of them.

Aurélia Thiérrée, performance artist (currently on tour with her one-woman show “Aurélia's Oratorio”)

A friend from Seattle sent me a collection of short stories by JD Salinger, and I loved the one called “From Esme, with Love and Squalor.” I traveled with the book for a while, and it prompted a series of encounters and the discovery of other authors. I also consequently got the other Salinger book I hadn't read, Franny and Zooey.

Amanda Stern, author & founder of “The Happy Ending” reading series, set to debut at its new venue, Joe’s Pub, Tuesday, January 7

33⅓ (Thirty-Three and a Third) is a series of books published by Continuum Books. Each book is written by a different author and focuses on a seminal album or musician. The only one I’ve read, Let’s Talk about Love: A Journey to the End of Taste, happens to be my favorite book of the year. Carl Wilson writes about the culture of bad taste as pertains to Celine Dion. In a truly brilliant and funny exploration, he examines his own contempt for her music, enumerates the varied recipes that make schmaltz and questions the ways in which we identify ourselves according to our taste in “bad” or “good” music. The writing here is strikingly intelligent, Wilson’s struggles (while relatable and more than understandable) are exuberant and engaging and stunningly funny. When I was three pages in, I decided I had a crush on this book. Now, I just want to marry it.

To do to do to do to do

figure out how to get logos on actual website (flash?)
write out invite template (html for new mailing system)
update website with new info re: joes
Send email to Richard Price re: time limit, NPR and Guest list
Send email to Ben Weber re: guest list
reply to alt apparel re: cross-promotion
email press with fall schedule
send out mass invite to list
reply sarah/NPR
finishing making playbill
print out playbill
get playbill printed (fig out exact #)
get tshirts picked up
consolidate music database
input new info
research music blogs
get contact info for all music blogs
send letters of intro to all music blogs
send letter of intro to remaining music managers/agents etc
book feb, march musician
send uno mas facebook invite (only to NYC people)
email AHB re: tv on the radio
find workable and easy bulk email list
transfer mailing list to new bulk email list
email cheryl y re: happy ending premiere
email he mass list one more time re: tickets
email MS re: JW and music contacts
Order books on Attachment theory (bowlby. ainsworth, cassidy)
finish lush life
follow up with weber that he send 2 cds of MC's to Joe's
finish chapter for penguin
write proposals for penguin
clean apartment
pay bills
return calls: markson most important!
buy apples

The Full Price

I love Richard Price so much. A great thing considering he's reading for me next week at Joe's Pub, but also horrifying because acting natural (an oxymoron if ever...) while simultaneously being awed actually kind of hurts.

Previews that will make people rush the line

Matthew Caws discusses an object that resembles a typewriter but is not a typewriter. Not knowing about objects that create anything other than letters, I've no idea what a Rotosphere or "Leslie cabinet (?)" is, but for whatever reason, I like this little clip and the object that resembles a typewriter, but is not. If you play your cards right, you can come to Joe's Pub and hear Matthew play music and maybe even spot the mysterious Rotosphere on stage! Although, truth be told, I'm a bit more intrigued by the Leslie Cabinet. I hope he plays a song about it.



Having dispensed with the Leslie Cabinet, Nada Surf sings. The band makes cameos and a video that is presciently apropos of Happy Ending's forthcoming "New York," night at Joe's Pub...

Cinco mananas...

FIVE DAYS UNTIL the JOE'S PUB premiere with MATTHEW CAWS and RICHARD PRICE. It's going to be sick good. For rills, yaw. Get tickets before there be no tickets to git.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Hope you brought it in with more energy than you left it.

I saw Joan as Police Woman perform at the Stone with about 8 friends and then ran into about 5 more. Then SS, PLF and I went to Max for dinner then to Nublu for some Brazilian dancing, but it was $25 so we headed up to Baraza for $10 Brazilian dancing. There, a Panamanian guy grabbed me when I emerged from the bathroom, dancing and grinding his how you doing? into me until SS saved me. When we left we passed Esperanto, where I used to eat regularly, when I lived on St. Mark's. It was a very 90s night, since I used to go to Baraza after Esperanto to dance off the dinner. Ah, the 90s...